I said, And that’s it. That’s the whole letter. It was actually addressed to me personally. ATTN: Rick Brunson. Left in my fucking mailbox and shit. Larry said, Shit, man. What the fuck is that? I said, Yeah, fucking trippy dude. He said, I mean. But, I don’t know . . . what does this have to do with puppy buttplugs again? If you don’t mind me asking. I said, Oh, not at all! Yeah, I mean. It’s like, let’s just say hypothetically here . . . I rubbed my hands together slowly as I contemplated my next sentence.
I said, I don’t know. Let’s say pedophilia is legal by the year, I don’t know, 2050 or so, give or take? According to this note at least it very well may be. Now leaving everything else aside. If pedophilia continues to become more mainstream. If it’s already on the verge of legality as we speak. Then what’s next? Don’t answer that! No. Because it’s like if pedophilia goes fucking mainstream then it’s over for human sex. Do you get me? Larry said, Ummmmmmm. I said, Pet sex bro. That’s where this is inevitably headed. Fucking pet sex dude. Fucking pets. Literally. Right in their little pet buttholes. Larry Johnson repeated the words, Pet sex? I said, Fucking pets bro. At Brunson Industries we plan to get ahead of this trend. And we plan to get ahead of it totally illegally. Crime bro. Manufacturing proprietary butt plugs that freaks of all colors and creeds will start using behind closed doors. Once we’re in on the ground floor with functional sex toys the sky is the fucking limit. This is the cultural trend we’re anticipating at Brunson Industries. That’s the thesis here. That’s the foundation literally all of our 5 year revenue forecasts are extrapolating from. But you’re not gonna shove your dick up Snowflake’s ass with no prep. You know what I mean? Now let’s go. Fuck lunch. I wanna tie a few on before dinner.
A full brass band of Caucasian horn players played quite impressively in the shitty interior of Nickanee’s off Richmond. Right around the bend from Tiny Bar (one of the worst venues downtown). I said, How shitty is your Sauvignon Blanc here? to the trans bartender. Then I turned back to Larry and said, You see that guy at the end of the bar? Bald head with the beard? Yeah, that’s Gino. I’ve met that fucking guy like at least three or four times now. Still doesn’t recognize me. Cunt. Last time I saw him at the Italian club I literally went right up to him and asked for an espresso. I said, Hey how’s it going? Could I get one of those espressos by any chance? Guy looked at me like he had Down’s syndrome. Like I hadn’t been to the Italian club 80 times before. Fucking prick. No he’s actually a nice guy. I like Gino. But I mean half the membership of that club is an Aperol Spritz away from a major stroke. How many people under 70 does he even fuckin see in there? It’s just kind of surprising he wouldn’t remember me that’s all. But whatever, you know? Larry said, What’s the IPA selection like here you think?
A guy at the table next to us after we sat outside was showing an extremely drunk guy the now exorbitant property prices of the neighborhood he grew up in around Asbury Park. I whispered, Oh, wow, Asbury Park is expensive now? In other news, my left nut hangs lower than the right. I whispered again, You hear this guy? Before Larry Johnson could reply I went on at a reasonable decibel level, I said, What do you think? About the business I mean?
He said, No, I think it definitely has legs. Honestly, it’s kind of genius. Butt plugs for house pets? I think this could be like a multi-billion dollar market or some shit eventually. Because you’re absolutely right. People fucking love their pets. What’s the next logical step. It could easily be the sex toy version of the iPhone for sure. I said, For sure! That’s the hope. Honestly it’s the only damn way the ROI forecasts make any sense. But you know. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. The key here is we really have to focus on being first to market you know? We have to be seen as innovators and not imitators, you know? We have to be underground. Viewed as a criminal organization and not just another metrosexual tech firm.
He said, Bro. That’s always key. It’s Business School 101. I said, It’s Life School 101 bro. I knew you had a sound business mind. I could feel it! But anyway. Yeah. Um so, there’s this dude . . . You may or may not have heard scuttlebutt about him at the office. Chris Childs? No, don’t tell me one way or the other. Anyway, I feel. And I think I’m right about this. I feel like he might be trying to low-key steal our sex tech? No. I know it to be a fact in my opinion. I feel like, in a manner of speaking. That he’s trying to fuck us in our asses? Larry said, For real? I said, Absolutely. Unfortunately. His little cunt nephew Marcus Camby still works for us in Creative. Senior Graphic Some Bullshit, I don’t know. Curly headed kid? Jew fro? You’ve probably seen him. Google him. I think he fuckin tried to bang like a fourteen year old or some shit? Got summarily relieved of his duties as a middle school gym teacher. Fuckin pervert. And now we pay him. You fucking believe that? I think we might need to ax him soon. Real soon, I continued after taking a sip of my Sauvignon Blanc, which was served out of a single-us plastic bottle. Incredibly soon if it was up to me.
He said, Maybe like a bulk layoff so it doesn’t look suspicious? I said, No. I mean literally ax him. Like, you know, murder him and shit. With an ax. Ax murder him. Just to send the message to Childs that you can’t fucking steal our tech and get away with it. You can’t even try to steal this tech without blood being fucking shed. That, like, if you think you’re infiltrating the nascent puppy buttplug market before us we will literally commit horrific acts of violence to prevent you from doing so. You know what I mean? He said, Yeah, I mean. I said, Like is that something you’re down for, or . . .? He said, No, definitely. I mean, it’s like I’ve never been a priori against committing murder. Just as a moral relativist you know? I said, It’s black metal dude. You need at least one murder to get shit to really enter the cultural zeitgeist.
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